Women Decoded

Boys need HELP! A shit load of it.

To be clear, this is by no means a boy bashing session. This is all in good fun. I am all about the men (...rawr) but somewhere in between women giving off (what I feel are...) blatantly obvious cues to you actually taking it in and acting upon it....something goes wrong. So here's my list of TOP FIVE things......you NEED TO KNOW about WOMEN:

1. WE WANT MEN

I once went on a date, I crossed my legs...so did he. I ordered a beer... he ordered a French cosmopolitan, I asked him why he doesn't eat meat...he says cows are "too cute".

Listen, I get it. It is the 21st century, equal rights, freedom of expression and all that jazz but REALLY... I just don't care. If we are watching the Notebook and I am reaching for the tissue box so YOU can deal with that waterfall on your face, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.

You just cannot be the sensitive one. That's OUR THING. Please don't take that away from us.

2. WE'D RATHER YOU NOT ASK HOW WE ARE...

Unless you are actually going to show you CARE about our response.

Let me tell you about this boy. His name was "K" because I could not for the life of me remember his name and I felt as much emotion towards him as I do for those who respond with "K" (instead of OK)....but he was a surgeon so ya know girl got to explore her possibilities ;)

Let me get this straight, essentially I tell you I am DYING and your response is..'lol'?

Like, what!? Did you just ask about ME, so you can tell me about YOU? and WHEN the heck did 'lol' become an acceptable response? If that is all you have to contribute to a conversation, then BOY YOU JUST ASKING TO GET CUT (...and FYI "K" most definitely was).

You need to be an active conversationalist and SHOW your interest. You MUST ask about us by literally uttering the words "what about yourself" because...

WE WILL NOT TELL YOU OTHERWISE.

We just assume you do not care. So just go that extra yard, ask about her, show interest in her response and at MINIMUM, add a little spazazz to your 'lol'. Even a 'LOL' would pass....at least then we will think we are funny.

3. ALL ABOUT THAT SCRUFF

I will let the pics do the talking on this one (...although really, Will Smith can do no wrong):

4. DON'T BE CAPTAIN OBVIOUS

Let me be clear: Women KNOW you think they are cute just by the simple fact that you wouldn't be on the date with them otherwise. On that same token, we KNOW you are settled down/headed places cause trust me, we would not be accompanying you on the date.

So put aside the obvious and tell us something we don't know! Engage us in conversations we don't have on the regular. Let's talk about who would win in a battle between Batman & Superman, or which was your favourite TIn Tin adventure. Dare to think outside the box and if they aren't a prick...they'll respond well to your questions and conversation will flow.

It may seem like trivial topics, but you'd be surprised how much you learn about someone based on their answers to questions they ARE NOT expecting.

5. BE GENUINE

The way I see it, you either like someone, you don't or you are curious enough to keep things going. Either way, be man enough to make your intentions clear because it's a fine line between not looking "easy" and being respectful of someone's time.

Stringing people along is unacceptable. It's a waste of your time, their time, and no one progresses from it. Let's grow up. Start by replying back to messages within a reasonable time. I can tell you from experience when a girl likes a guy they stop at nothing to message them back, no matter how busy their day, what deadlines have to be met or who they are with...

Whether it be running to the closest Starbucks to mooch off their WiFi and reply back to your Whatsapp message, creeping into the washroom at work just to text you back or using Microsoft Word to write out the message (so it looks like they are working) and then quickly copy and paste it into FB messenger (admittedly, I have done all three)...we ALWAYS find a way to message you back. If you are interested, we expect the same of you.

I'd be the first to admit, I love a challenge. But the older I am getting, the more I am realizing how much myself, along with everyone else, really value direct, mature and genuine people. Because honestly, ain't nobody got time for games and there's a brand new season of the Mindy Project out, of which catching up on would be a better use of our time.

P.s: Thirty days of oatmeal & fruits DONE. Thank you for your support <3